Matt's Big Old Blog Of Randomness

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My name is Matthew.

I wear a trench coat, drink tea and make films.

I like Doctor Who, video games and steam trains.

My job takes up 24 hours of my day, but it’s doing something I love. If I choose to make my job the centre of my life, I don’t see that as a bad thing.

I have a few faults I’m not proud of, the worst being crippling self doubt, fear of all forms of rejection and absolute genuine terror that I’ll one day die alone.

I don’t deal well with social situations, so tend to stay out of them to stop myself causing trouble.

I’m happy with who I am.

Got a problem with all that? Well tough; deal with it, because it isn’t changing any time soon!

Much Love
Matthew

Skaro
By Dalek Ultravox

The story of a Dalek, defeated by the Doctor, floating alone in the wreck of a spaceship.

***

Floating in the cold void.
Freezing up in the depths of space.
My saucer got blown up.

A man in a stetson and stupid coat
Is standing there gloating.
My voice reaching out with a piercing cry
Asking you for assistance.

My feelings are gone, Davros took them away.
It means nothing to me.
This means nothing to me.
Oh, Skaro!

My gunstick is failing.
The Doctor stands, rambling on and on,
Something about the devil.
Now I’m all alone as the spaceship wreck
Tumbles into a dwarf star.
The sound of the timelord’s travelling device
Fades into the vortex.

Eyestalk fizzing out, power draining away.
It means nothing to me.
This means nothing to me.
Oh, Skaro!

This means nothing to me.
This means nothing to me.
Oh, Skaro!

As regular readers will know, I am not a fan of the Daily Mail. They’re racist, bigoted and we all know they’re as much into listening in to people’s phone conversations as the other newspapers; they’re just better at hiding it.

So I’ve been ambivalent towards the Daily Mail. Until today. My Nan is an avid reader of the paper and bought today’s issue. While trying to complete her crossword, she was shocked to discover a printing error had left her with two clues missing!

This was the final straw. You can be as racist as you want, you can “allegedly” hack as many phones as you want, but if you stop my Nan from finishing her crossword… well, you just made it personal. To the writing desk!

***

To: letters@dailymail.co.uk
From: Matthew Alden-Farrow
Subject: Boxing Day Issue Print Quality 

Dear Sir,

I am writing to you on behalf of my grandmother, who is an avid reader of the Daily Mail. I don’t read the Daily Mail myself, but my Grandmother assures me that it is a fountain of knowledge and wisdom in an otherwise gloomy and miserable world. She buys the paper every day and as usual, purchased your edition on Boxing Day. She discovered that the paper’s print was of a poor quality; a line of plain white could been seen near the bottom of the letters page and the Coffee Break page, making it impossible to read any of the text in the affected area. This was, however, only a minor annoyance and only became a real problem when she attempted to complete the crossword puzzle. The print error meant that two of the clues in the crossword were missing, which caused my grandmother great distress. The crossword puzzle is one of very few pleasures available to my grandmother, who cannot walk and is entirely deaf.

I am sure you will be greatly concerned by this news, as I know newspaper’s tend to care greatly about their readers. It distresses me greatly that one of my grandmother’s last pleasures in life has been cruelly snatched from her this afternoon. My grandmother’s memory is quite poor of late and completing the crossword is her reassurance that she has not entirely gone senile. Therefore being unable to complete this afternoon’s crossword left her in great distress and she had to have a little lie down and a cup of very strong tea to get over it. I personally have been affected by this, as this is now the fifth time this afternoon she has told me two of her crossword clues are missing. A minor irritation to you, I am sure, but one I personally find horrific; my grandmother’s memory loss is of great concern to me and to my mother, who is seriously considering suggesting putting her into a care home, where she would have to ask a nurse to fetch her Daily Mail for her. There is always a chance the nurse will become confused and buy her a copy of The Sun. My grandmother also has a rare heart condition and I suspect that Page 3 of the Sun may be more than she can stand.

I will expect tomorrow’s paper to contain the entire crossword, including clues, intact, so that we may put this unpleasant incident behind us, else I fear there will be dire consequences; my grandmother may have to take a short nap and have a biscuit with her tea and, as I am sure you are aware, biscuits have become very expensive in recent months.

I am sure you will agree that a full apology is in order and I trust that one will follow in due course.

Kindest regards
Matthew 

***

If you have a company, organisation or individual that you think needs a strongly worded letter, please leave me a comment or tweet your suggestions to me at www.twitter.com/teatimewithmatt. Any suggestions?

I have grown weary of my nickname. You know the one. This guy:

It officially became old when I went to see Russell Howard’s Good News being filmed. He spotted me in the audience and said “there’s a guy in a blue shirt who looks eerily like young Michael McIntyre!”

Something needs to be done… time for another letter!

***

Michael McIntyre
Off The Kerb Productions,
Hammer House,
113-117 Wardour Street,
London
W1F 0UN

Dear Michael,

Let me begin this letter by saying I am big fan of your work. You’ve made me and my family cry with laughter on more than one occasion; you’re a tremendously funny man and I hope you’ll continue to make us laugh in the future.

However, I write to you with a problem. In the years since you have climbed the ladder of fame and become a national figure, there have been dire consequences to my life. You see, I recently graduated from university and during my time there, I gained several nicknames. The most prominent of these however was Michael McIntyre, due to my apparent resemblance to yourself. I was forever being pestered for autographs, to do bits from your stand-up routine and to pose for photographs. Once while I was in a pub, a rather inebriated gentlemen spent a good 20 minutes telling me what a huge fan he was and how much he admired my, by which of course I mean your, work.

This all came to a head recently, when I was in the audience of another popular standup comedian. I wasn’t even sitting in the front row, but he still managed to see me in the gloom of the theatre, pointed me out and said “there’s a bloke in a blue shirt and glasses here who looks eerily like a young Michael McIntyre!” He then spent the next few minutes ripping on me for my appearance; all good fun but highly embarrassing.

This is starting to become a real problem for me. I have found that if I cut my hair once every couple of weeks, fewer people spot the supposed resemblance. I honestly can’t see it, so I thought it would be pertinent to ask your opinion on the matter. I have enclosed a photograph for your examination and I look forward to your comments.

Yours sincerely

Matthew Alden-Farrow
BA Television Production*

***

* What?! Can’t hurt! Might be a job in it…